“My dear Sir,—From the
moment when I saw you last under such excessive agitation, until the present
moment, I have been, as you said I might be if I would, calm and perfectly
well, and tolerably happy. Is it not strange, then, that I can suffer my mind
to be so overpowered, and mostly about trifles? can you think of me with
anything but contempt? Tell me, would you dislike paying me a little visit? I
will not allure you by descriptions of a country life. If you come, I imagine
it is to pay me a friendly visit, and if you do not, I shall feel secure you
have good reasons for
| 286 | WILLIAM GODWIN |
“It is all very well if one died at the end of a tragic scene, after playing a desperate part; but if one lives, and instead of growing wiser, one remains the same victim of every folly and passion, without the excuse of youth and inexperience, what then? Pray say a few wise words to me. There is no one more deeply sensible than myself of kindness from persons of high intellect, and at this period of my life I need it.
“I have nothing to do—I mean necessarily. There is no particular reason why I should exist; it conduces to no one’s happiness, and, on the contrary, I stand in the way of many. Besides, I seem to have lived 500 years, and feel I am neither wiser, better, nor worse than when I began. My experience gives me no satisfaction; all my opinions and beliefs and feelings are shaken, as if suffering from frequent little shocks of earthquakes. I am like a boat in a calm, in an unknown, and to me unsought-for sea, without compass to guide or even a knowledge whither I am destined. Now, this is probably the case of millions, but that does not mend the matter, and whilst a fly exists, it seeks to save itself. Therefore excuse me if I try to do the same. Pray write to me, and tell me also what you have done about my journal.
“Thank you for the frame; will you pay for it, and send me in any account we have at your house. I am very anxious about my dear boy. I must speak to you of him. Every one as usual is kind to me—I want for nothing this earth can offer but self-control. Forgive my writing so much about myself, and believe me most sincerely yours,
