To address you perhaps from the most selfish of all
motives, as I once resigned the correspondence you honoured me with from one of
all motives the least so, I begin enigmatically; but I shall unravel as I go
on, and if you then doubt me I shall at least have the consolation of your
pity. You will at least give me
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To say that I have been unhappy since these afflicting
tidings were conveyed to me, would be to say nothing. I have incessantly
mourned a loss no circumstance can efface, no time repair, and the only act of
alleviation I can now have recourse to I have thought of often, and at the
distance we now are it is, perhaps, no longer liable to the objection that once
influenced me—at least, should it again become
dangerous to my peace of mind,—it is impossible I should feel an added
weight of sorrow to that I have so long endured. Yes, my dear Sydney, dangerous it is too true, I repeat the
words, dangerous to my peace of mind. I anticipate your incredulity; it is,
nevertheless, too true; I renounced your correspondence, I sacrificed the first
wishes of my heart when I found wishes springing up in which I durst not
indulge, and I determined to listen no more to the voice of the charmer. I was
not true to that friendship I once pledged to you—I dared to violate the
brotherly affection I fear I never truly felt for you; but it was not till the
receipt of your last letter, when you defined so beautifully the nature of your
sentiments towards me, when conscious those sentiments
were not mine, it became me to declare what they were, or to be silent for
ever. I will not now suppose what might have been the effect of such a
decla-
196 | LADY MORGAN'S MEMOIR. |
What absence and the distance we are now at may have done
I will not describe to you; I will not be guilty of a falsehood in saying I
have either forgotten you or that I remember nothing of the sensations I have
felt for you; on this subject, indeed, I dare
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